Pure talent.

Catty old bitches.

I have a problem, and it is this: I have a morbid fascination with the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

These bitches are absolutely crazy town!!! And I love it. Love love love it. Can't get enough. Love it so much that I felt the need to turn my computer on and to twitter (tweet?) about it. In the middle of a 4 hour marathon yesterday.

I never really followed the "Real Housewives of (insert town/state here)" series... just a few episodes here and there. But as I was getting ready to go to the gym yesterday, I had the NJ edition on the TV as background noise. Needless to say, I ended up migrating from my room to the living room couch and watching it for 4 hours instead of actually dragging my fat ass (arms, thighs, etc.) to the gym.

In case you haven't been keeping up, which you should because it's surreal and perfect, the show is centered around 5 women, the "real housewives," if you will. They obviously belong to the highest eschelon of society (well I guess that depends on how you would define "highest eschelon." In this case, it means extremely wealthy.) and have a crap ton of time on their hands. Their occupations include "former model," "event planner," "interior designer," and "wife and mother."

This is all pretty typical, I suppose... but the fact that they're from the Garden State just makes it that much more perfect. Initially, I absolutely cringed at the thought of these "ladies," but after much consideration, I realized that they are just fucking funny... not just dumb and shallow like the "Real Housewives of Orange County," bitchy and vindictive like the "Real Housewives of Atlanta," or incredibly snobby like the "Real Housewives of New York." They are all of those rolled into one: genuinely and through-and-through HILARIOUS. And spunky. They have distinctive personalities and a collective personality at the same time.. the personality that can only be obtained from having lived in NJ for many many years. Which they clearly have.

God, I wish that I could go into great detail about all of their backstories and personalities, but that would take ages... I'll just briefly summarize. Let's start from most harmless to most terrible.

1) Jacqueline Laurita- former cosmetologist and single mother from Las Vegas who married into an affluent family of Franklin Lakes, NJ. She currently has 2 children and wants a 3rd.. unfortunately, she has had four miscarriages in a row and is constantly afraid of losing another. Her sister-in-law Dina says that "her heart is as big as her boobies." "Boobies," by the way, is pronounced "bubies" in New Jersey lingo. She is perhaps too nice and trusting and is conflicted when her family asks her to end her friendship with Danielle, whom her family hates. Overall, I really haven't seen much fault in her at all except that she gave her daughter a brand new, fully loaded SUV for finally realizing that school is important after having failed two classes and having to attend summer school.

2) Caroline Manzo- full-time wife and mother, considers herself to be a "throwback" because she devotes herself entirely to her family. Her brother is Jacqueline's husband. Her own husband owns a banquet and catering facility, and she has three children: Albie, the oldest and the "golden boy" who recently graduated from Forham University and hopes to attend law school, Lauren, who is starting cosmetology school though she refuses to wax anything below the face, and Christopher, who wants to be "the face of car washes and strip clubs." Caroline fully supports all of them and is ferociously protective. She also provided the best line of the show so far regarding Lauren's hairy-body-phobia: "I don't care if it's a floor, a car, or a back. You're waxing it." Not funny to you? Say it again in a NJ accent.

3) Teresa Giudice- husband owns several construction companies and is building her dream house, which is made entirely of marble, granite, and onyx. She says that she needed a brand new house build because living in other peoples' old houses is gross. She has three daughters, all of whom are her mini-mes and who are forced to wear matching outfits at all times. Her oldest daughter Gia aspires to be an actress and strongly believes that she will make it on the Disney Channel. She is also a little bit racist for a 5 year old (or however old she is. I don't know.) Teresa claims to not be a stage mom. Claims.

4) Dina Manzo- baby sister (youngest of 11 children) of Caroline. She is married to Caroline's husband's brother and is also the founder of Project Ladybug, a nonprofit organization that raises funds for childrens' cancer research. On the flip side, she is a total bitch and a gossip queen (which I love) who tries to convince Jacqueline to not be friends with Danielle. Her proudest moment to date (according to me) is being the first client of the hair salon in which all of the women congregate to talk shit, get fake nails glued to their hands, and get ready for girls' night out. Dina and Caroline love to assert that they are a "good old fashion Italian family."

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

5) Danielle Staub- 46-year-old who was engaged 19 times before finally marrying fiance #20. She says that she is a former model and dancer, and she believes that eating right, working out, injecting tons of botox, and wearing tiny string bikinis are imperative to a healthy lifestyle. For two years, she has been having phone sex with "Gucci Model," whom she met on wealthymen.com. He stands her up on their first official face-to-face date, and she leaves him a voicemail in which she tells him to "have a good life. Or die. I don't care." She then proceeds to date a 26-year-old (but is he really 26? He looks mad old...), and Teresa (who used to be her friend) says that he only goes around her house for his daily blowjob. It is revealed in the fourth episode that she was arrested in her early 20s for kidnapping, embezzlment, drugs, etc. She says that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time... you can be the judge of that. You can also google her mug shot. Oh yeah, she has 2 daughters.

For now, that's basically it... I'm sure that there are more blog posts to come about these newfound friends of mine.

The good ole "armpit of America." Represent.

PS: I am from NJ in case I forgot to mention this important piece of information.

Subject: Birth of blog

I have always wanted to create a blog...

... and I guess now I have. And I don't mean a lame middle school livejournal/xanga thing that recounts every second of geometry class with Mr. Armstrong (wonder what he's doing now in his retirement... probably teaching his 4 year old grandkids derivatives or moonlighting as a stand-up comedian because let's face it; he was hilarious ("What did the algebra acorn grow up to say?" "Gee! I'm a tree! (Geometry)!"... don't tell me that shit didn't just make you chuckle)) or has me scouring the internet for the coolest html layout (preferably something with a flashy, bright, animated background and comic-sans font)

Well maybe. Let's see where this goes, shall we?